


Dreaming With A Broken Heart

by marauderess



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Pining, Sheriff Stilinski Knows, Slow Burn, Stiles Leaves, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-07
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-18 01:14:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marauderess/pseuds/marauderess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles should have known better. It happened when he fell for Lydia, he pined and loved from afar and in the end she still fell for the other guy. So of course after a year of trying to get Derek's attention Stiles gets his dreams crushed again when The Alpha introduces his girlfriend Jennifer Blake to the Pack. Now Stiles has to put on a happy smile for his alpha, because the actual worst part about loving someone? It's that you want them happy, even when it slowly tears you apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When you're dreaming with a broken heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! So this is my first ever Sterek Fic, so please bear with me as I start on this fun new adventure! This first chapter Is kind of short I know but it was literally just a little thought floating around in my brain at 4am when I desperately wanted to sleep. So I wrote it down and here we are! Not Beta'd but if anyone would like to volunteer I would love you forever. 
> 
> And if you want to check me out on tumblr, yell at me for making you cry, or throw out an idea my ask is always open :)  
> http://themarauderess.tumblr.com :)

Stiles isn't sure how it happened. He’s not sure exactly when it happened. Actually he’s not even sure WHY at this point. All he knows now is that somewhere in all the crazy that has taken over his life, sometime between nearly drowning in the Beacon Hills Pool and arrival of the Alpha Pack, Stiles was blindsided with the realization that he cared for Derek Hale. No, not just cared. He had feelings, like kiss me-love me-make babies with me-feelings. 

Feelings are not Stiles’ friend. Feelings make him do crazy things. Crazy like chase hopelessly after Lydia Martin for YEARS without so much as an actual glance in his direction that classed him over anything more significant than dirt on her Manolos. Actually lets be honest, dirt on Lydia’s shoes was much more newsworthy than anything Stiles did EVER. Stiles doesn't like feelings. 

So Stiles, well he decides to do what he does best. He pines. He throws his life at Derek’s feet near as often as he can. Jumping headfirst into the mysteries that plague their little town. Staying up all hours of the night translating the bestiary (after extensive Latin lessons with one Lydia Martin of course), researching all kinds of big bads. He spends afternoons with Deaton and he learns how to harness his spark. He throws himself wholeheartedly into becoming an asset to his pack, an asset to his alpha. And every day those feeling, they get bigger and stronger and they begin to consume him.

Derek begins to change as well. He smiles more and is a better alpha. He’s gentler with the pack, with Stiles. He convinces Stiles to come clean to the Sheriff and somehow he sneaks his way into the force and into John’s good graces. Derek is happier and Stiles falls in love more and more everyday. Derek does as well. 

But he isn’t falling in love with Stiles. 

It takes Derek a long time to introduce Jennifer to the pack. Nearly a year after the they took down Deucalion and made peace with Kali and the twins. The pack is starting their Senior Year when Derek brings her to the first meeting of the school year.

Stiles is in kitchen with Allison, laughing as they put the finishing touches on dinner when everyone in the living room suddenly falls silent. Not having the advantages of werewolf noses to get an idea of what exactly is going on, Allison and Stiles venture tentatively into the room. What they find there is easily worst case scenario. For Stiles anyway.

The pack is staring hesitantly at the door, confused and unsure of exactly what was happening. But Stiles? He knows. He knows before Derek, with his bright smile and arm around Ms. Blake, explains to the pack that he’s been seeing Jennifer for some time now. He knows before Derek tells them he feels like it is getting serious, that it is time to bring her into the pack. Stiles knows and it breaks his heart neatly in half. It's worse than Lydia loving Jackson so much she saved him from himself. It's worse than the feeling of Deucalion’s claws sunk deep in to his chest. It hurts worse than his father’s disappointment, and Scott’s brief abandonment of their friendship sophomore year. It hurts more than seeing Derek carry Erica’s body into the loft and more than putting her in the ground. 

But Stiles, if nothing else is a magnificent liar. So he smiles at Derek and Ms. Blake. He calms his heart beat and focuses on covering the scent of his agony from the pack. Never has he been more grateful for all that time spent with Deaton. He serves dinner and laughs and talks and talks and talks. He digs his nails into his palm under the table every time they kiss and smile and touch. He listens to Derek address the pack about looking at Colleges and doing well in their Senior Year. He sits nestled between Isaac and Ethan as the meeting dwindles down into movie night. He’s engaged in the movie, in the banter, in the popcorn fights.

He’s pushing and faking and lying until he can finally leave, smiling at the happy couple as he heads out the door. He’s using everything he knows about manipulating pack magic and wolf senses to disguise the catch in his breathing, the stutter in his heart, the scent of his pain until he’s sure he’s safe. He pushes himself until he’s locked in his room, door and window are shut tight, locked and lined with ash. Then he breaks. He slides down against the wall, his heart beating so hard he’s almost positive its going to beat out of his chest and fall bleeding and battered on his floor. He can’t breathe and the world starts to narrow down, black covering his peripheral vision. He’s gasping and shaking and when he leans his face into his hands he realizes that he’s crying. He shakes and he cries and he winds his fingers in his hair and he pulls. 

He’s falling apart and he doesn’t see Lydia break the line of ash on the floor so she can enter, Aiden as always not far behind. He can’t focus on anything other than his own agony until he feels her push Scott’s old inhaler in his mouth, until she forces him to breathe. He finally calms down enough to realize he’s not alone, but it doesn’t matter to him that she’s seeing him like this. At the moment nothing really matters. He looks up at her and tears are still gathering in his eyes. 

"Lydia?"

"I’m here, I’m here Stiles."

Aiden whines low in his throat as Stiles starts to sob again. 

"It hurts. It hurts so much Lyds." He says

She pulls him in closer, holds him tight, her own voice thick with tears. 

"I know sweetie, I know." 

Because of course she knows. She’s his brilliant goddess and of course she knows why Stiles is falling apart in her arms. She shushes him and rocks him and lets him cry and he loves her so much in that moment. 

She doesn’t tell him it will be ok. They both know it’s not true.


	2. The Giving Up is the Hardest Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO sorry it's been so long since I updated! I just really lost the muse on this one, A lot of overpower hate for Jennifer that I didn't quite have when I started (BITCH STABBED DADDY) but like the professional I am I decided to get over it and get on with causing my baby Stiles all the pain. ENJOY ;)

* * *

The pack loves her. Thats the worst part. The pack adores having a teacher on their side. Whenever they don’t have a real explanation for why they were at the school after hours, Jennifer steps in to save the day. Telling their new principal that she has them doing extra college prep. She’s lenient with homework around full moons or creature appearances. She takes on half the pack as TA’s so she has the excuse of calling them out of class for an ‘errand’ when Derek really just needs an emergency pack meeting.

She’s fantastic with archaic latin. An interest in languages in college apparently. She’s great with research too. Derek rarely visits Stiles for information, or research, or translations anymore.

She’s strong and brave and not once has Stiles seen Derek yell that she’s only human. Not once has he told her how fragile and weak she is. Stiles is the weak one apparently. After a particularly nasty run in with a banshee about 3 weeks into the semester, Stiles comes out a little worse for wear. The spell he created to contain the damn thing had drained a lot of his energy, too much really. He threw everything he had into it. He came to stretched out on the sofa in Derek’s loft, his head bandaged and throbbing and the pack gathered around him in worry. Jennifer said it was too dangerous for them to rely on just Stiles spark like that. She patted his knee as if she was doing him a favor.

Derek didn’t ask him for help two weeks later when they encountered a coven of vampires. Didn’t even approach him. Jennifer staked two right through the heart.

She’s a great cook too.

Stiles learned that when he came home Sunday from an extra lesson with Deaton, fully prepared to cook the massive pack dinner his father had required ever since he found out. She was already in his kitchen. Laughing with his father, flirting with Derek as she chopped vegetables. His mother’s cookbook open in front of her.

“Stiles! I Hope you don’t mind but the pack was getting restless and I volunteered to take care of dinner this time!”

She smiled at him and waved him upstairs, telling him to go get the all the magic washed off. She laughed when Derek wrinkled his nose saying Stiles reeked of mountain ash all the time anyway. Stiles smiled sweetly at her, thanked her for being so thoughtful.

He showered like she asked and hoped maliciously the whole time that she ruined the entire meal.

“This tastes just like Mrs. Stilinski’s!” Scott praises as they sit down to eat.

Stiles glares at him. “No offense Stiles but you never use enough salt!” Scott says sheepishly.

“Hear Hear!” laughs the Sheriff taking a massive helping of the dish.

“It’s because _my father_ , needs to watch his sodium.” Stiles growls picking at the food in front of him.

He can feel his anger prickling under his skin and he has to remember to contain his emotions, cover his scent. He’s may be around a pack of oblivious idiots ( Lydia excluded of course) but it doesn’t mean they won’t notice that he smells off and rudely point it out in front of the whole table.

She's perfection and it the worst thing that could have ever happened to Stiles. She's sweet and strong and smart and a great pack mom. She's taken the place Stiles used to occupy within the pack and she's better than he ever was. Stiles never ever thought he'd miss hearing "yes mom." from his friends as he made them eat and argued with Derek and cleaned and cared for the pack in the only way he knew how. Until the first time he heard Cora say it to Jennifer. Until the second when Isaac joked that "mommy and daddy were argueing again" when Jennifer and Derek start to bicker over something to do with the pack. It makes a part of Stiles burn, makes a part of him coil up and die to hear that he has been so thoroughly replaced. 

He can't sleep anymore. When he does he wakes up crying, sobbing his goddamn heart out. He wakes up in agony because when he's asleep Derek loves him, and waking up from that, It's like waking up from the dreams he had right after his mom died. Dreams of her fighting through the cancer, dreams of her living. These dreams feel just like that. Like every single time he jerks awake from a dream; where he is snuggled up tight with Derek in his arms, holding hands with him though the town, kissing him sweetly goodnight, his soul is jerked right out of him. His heart stops and he can't breathe and sometimes, he doesn't want to make himself try anymore. 

This has to stop he thinks. It HAS TO STOP. And it is with that determination that Stiles starts his college applications. He applies to Berkley because thats where his Mom went, but the applications to California schools stop there. He applies to Yale and Columbia and NYU and Harvard. He applies to at tiny college in Cork Ireland where Deaton said his former mentor teaches. He tries his damnedest to get as far away from Beacon Hills as possible because its suffocating him. The sight of Derek and Jenifer and Jennifer and HIS PACK is stealing his breath away and Stiles can't stand another second of it. 

* * *

 

On his 18th Birthday he goes to the Jungle with the pack. Derek growls at him for using a fake but stops when Jennifer wraps her arms around him and tells him to let Stiles have his fun. Stiles flinches away from her touch, something he's been in habit of lately and Derek frowns. The pack acts strangely around him, clearly trying to let him have fun but eying him warily as they have been for the past month or so. Lydia grabs his hand and leads him onto the dance floor because she's perfect and she knows exactly whats been happening with Stiles. He dances with tons of guys, writhing on them like a wild wanton thing, because if he can't have Derek then why the fuck shouldn't he have this. Scott laughs when Stiles pulls him away from Allison to dance with him, and Isaac smiles and traps Scott between the two of them. The group starts to loosen up. Eventually Stiles finds himself dancing with a devastatingly handsome guy, he has his hands all over Stiles and it feels amazing. When the guy starts pulling him towards the door Stiles doesnt argue. He sees Lydia raise her drink, sees Allison wink and accepts Scott's not at all subtle high five. He doesn't see Derek and thats perfect, he's supposed to be getting over the Alpha.

He sucks Liam's cock in the parking lot, chocking himself on his dick with enthusiasm and determination. He swears he see's a flash of Alpha red eyes when he pulls off, licking come off his lips. He ignores it and Liam drives him back to a small apartment. He lets him Liam push him against the door and hold him there, biting hickies on his neck and pretends it doesn't remind him of every fantasy he had his sophomore year, when all Derek did was throw him against walls and doors. When they've finally moved into the bedroom Stiles is  _this_ close to exploding out of sheer sexual frustration and he barely lets Liam get three fingers in before he's demands his cock. When Liam complies its brutal and he doesn't wait for Stiles to adjust this time. Stiles feels like he can't breath and his body shakes and its panic and pain but in the absolute best way. When Liam drags his head back by his hair, pulling sharply and biting at his lips Stiles moans like whore and pants for more. Harder. Faster. Liams hands slip down around his neck like a collar and Stiles comes. He screams his way through his orgasm and every muscle contracts, tightens and his body feels like the time he electruted himself as a kid. Vibrating out of his own skin.  

"Who's Derek?" Liam asks, as he starts to pull out. 

Stiles tenses and he hates himself even more. 

"Does it matter?" Stiles says as he rolls over on his back to gaze up at Liam. 

Liam grins at him and leans in a little closer, "Not much kid" and swoops down to kiss Stiles hard. 

They fuck once more before falling to the bed in sheer exhaustion. Stiles wakes up early and makes a quick a escape. He feels dirty and cheap as he limps his way accross town and his head and stomach are killing him. When he passes the coffee shop on Main, he can't help himself and drops in to buy a very large very hot coffee. It would be his luck of course to literally run right into Derek and Jennifer. Jennifer laughs and him and reaches out to ruffle his hair, Stiles moves away quickly as always and Derek lets out this subsonic growl. Stiles clutches his coffee to his chest and hopes to god they'll just let him go. 

They don't. 

Jennifer insist on driving Stiles home and even offers him the front seat of the camaro. 

"Being hungover always makes me extra succeptibel to car sickness." She jokes. 

Stiles balances on the side of his thigh, not quite able to sit comfortably and Derek snorts. 

Jennifer babbles on in the back seat but Stiles ignores her, his face flaming red as Derek studies him ouf the corner of his eye. 

"I didn't know you liked men." Derek grunts, his voice just barely audible.

"You never asked." 

They pull up to Stiles home and he thanks all the gods that his Dad's cruizer is absent from the driveway. Stiles is moving to get out of the car when Derek leans over his nose wrinkled in distates and says,

"Be sure to take a long shower Stiles, you  _reek_ of sex."

Stiles freezes, his heart clenches at the look of disgust on Derek's features and he slams the cardoor before he does something stupid like burst into tears. He nearly runs inside and when his front door is safely closed behind him, he lets himself break. 

He can't even fantisize about Derek loving him in a differnet life anymore. Apparenlty even the IDEA of sex, of anyone wanting to have sex with Stiles is repulsive to Derek. He feels the world start to narrow as he gasps for air and suddenly he's angry. He's furious that he's letting this happen to him again. He wipes his eyes and moves to his stairs, suddenly determined. The stack of thick envelopes from all the schools he'd sent applications to had been setting on his desk for weeks. He bypasses Berkley, Harvard, NYU and finds the College of Cork Ireland. He rips it open and reads the thick paper that tell him he's been accepted, with a large scholarship to boot and a chance for a summer program to acclimate into a foreign country. He opens his mac and starts the acceptance process. 

He's done with Beacon Hills. 

* * *

 

When he tells the Dad about his scholarship, about his choice, the Sherriff pulls him into a big bone breaking hug and tells him how proud his mother would have been. When he tells the Sherriff he doesn't want the pack to know, he frowns and doesn't ask why but something in his faces lets Stiles know that this converstation is far from over, even though he reluctantly agrees. 

Everyone is shocked when Stiles beats Lydia out for Valedictorian, even though they both knew it would happen. A few months in a fugue state can do terrible things to a girls GPA Lydia explains in her Salutorian speech. The pack looks at Stiles strangely when he stands up to give his speech. He's avoided the past few meetings, ciitng school and college and Dad time. So when he gives his speech about moving on to bigger and better things than Beacon Hills and watches Derek growl and his pack members shrink back in confusion, he feels like his point has been made spectacularly. When he says goodbye to the Senior class of Beacon Hills he means it. His stuff is already on a plane to Ireland and his tickets rest heavy and comforting in his pocket. 

When the pack comes over for a graduation party his Father insisted on, its the saddest and yet funniest thing to watch them all figure it out. Stiles acceptance to Cork is framed and on the mantle piece. His carryons are waiting patiently by the door. Scott turns and gives him those puppy eyes he's been terrified of because he knows enough exposure would make him stay. He spends that last night with a melencholy pack trying to make the last of his time with them. Scott's attatched to his hip and strangley so is Isaac. Lydia looks at him like she knew he was going to go (she probably did) and tells him she'll be by to visit frequently. He grins at that. Cora tells him she wont miss him at all but pulls him into a hug so tight he's sure something is cracked, and Boyd slams his hand down on his shoulder and says,

"well it's gonna be quiet here Stilinksi."

They sit in the living room at talk about all the crazy things they'd been up to over the years, They talk about Lydia going to MIT and Aiden following her there because he has a scarily impressive and easily manipulated paper trail that claims he to is a math prodigy. They talk about Scott to a Vet School near San Diego tate, were Allison, Isaac, and Danny are going. They talk about Ethan opening a garage with Cora and Boyd and they very carefully don't talk about how much they will miss Stiles. Derek doesn't show up. Not until the light starts creeping in and they all sleepily rouse themselves to say goodbye. The Sheriff is throwing suitcases in the cruiser when Derek finally pulls up in the Camaro. 

"Thought you weren't gonna show Sourwolf." Stiles jokes. His voice is brittle and Lydia's nails dig into his hand, where she's been holding on tightly for the last hour. 

He turns away though while Derek stomps over to growl something at the Sheriff who's sitting in the front seat waiting and hugs his friends goodbye. He laughs at Scott for the tears in his eyes, but it comes out choked up and sad, and he wipes at the wetness in his own. When he finally turns around Derek is standing there. 

"Pack isn't just supposed to leave like this Stiles. You know that." 

And Stiles does, they'd talked early in the year about they ways that would make moving so far from the pack bearable for the wolves. This sudden uprooting wasn't it. 

"I know Derek but I can't, I can't do this anymore ok?." He throws caution and common sense and all his earlier anger at the wind and throws his arms around Derek suddenly. 

Derek stiffens and Stiles takes his chance to get his closure. 

"I love you Sourwolf, I love you and that's why I can't stay." He pulls away and now he really is crying. He nods at Jennifer sitting on the hood of the Camaro, "You love someone else, and I just can't do it alright?"  
  


Stiles has some sense of self preservation and he jumps into the car while Derek is still frozen in shock. And because his Dad is the best he knows that now is not the time to ask quetions but rather to drive. He can't bring himself to look at the mirror as they drive away. 

"Derek Hale huh?"

"Yeah Dad, Derek Hale."

The Sherriff nods and keeps driving. When they get the airport, Stiles mostly has himself together, and they walk in side by side. When his Dad follows him to Check in Stiles is confused. 

"Um Dad?"

His Dad gives him the patented Stilinski are-you-shitting-me look and says " Did you really think I wasn't going to move my ONLY son into his dorm, even if it is across the world?"

* * *

 

They are getting settled on the plane when Stiles gets the text form Lydia. 

_FROM: STRAWBERRY BLOND GODDESS  
_

_They got engaged last night, thats why he was late. I'm so sorry Stiles._

__I_ _

Stiles clenches his phone so tight he's suprised it doesnt break.

His Dad leans over and takes the phone from him. He frowns and shuts it off, and doesn't complain once as Stiles buries his head into his shoulder and cries himself to sleep. 

 


	3. Then All at Once You Have to Say Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I would like to say that the response I have had to this story so far is overwhelming and amazing and Thank you all so much for reading and commenting. I am taking into account all your feedback as far as where the story should head next and I think you guys are going to like it!
> 
> Secondly I am sooooo sorry its been so long since I updated! I really did intend to start posting once a week but I did not realize just how hectic school was about to get for me. I have my final papers due for a few classes in the next few weeks before thanksgiving but after that thing should slow down since I don't have too many actual finals (pros of being and English major ;D) so I don't know exactly when my next chapter will be but at least rest assured you will get one for thanksgiving! 
> 
> Finally just remember this is going to be a slow burn sterek fic. Sterek IS my endgame here but there are going to be some chapters, a few chapters at a time really where it might not look good. Remember good things come to those who wait...even though that waiting might involve lots of feels on they way!   
> SORRYNOTSORRY
> 
> Anyway I'm done with my novel, Enjoy Stiles first few days in Ireland!

Ireland is beautiful. It’s all green hills and the salty sea and cool drizzly weather. For the first few days Stiles hates it. It’s misty in the morning and when he walks outside on campus he feels like Heathcliff on the Moors, lamenting his lost love. It’s every level of pathetic and Stiles has always made it his life goal to NOT be comparable to a fucking Bronte novel.

 

Orientation was a whirl of activity, full of the bright terrified smiles of his classmates, his Dad’s worried hovering, Lydias constant texting, and professors with accents Stiles is incredibly jealous of. He’d done his best to focus on enrollment, shopping for supplies, making sure everything was set with his student visa. Whenever his died tried to stop and talk about feelings he shut him down firmly.

 

“Stiles I know you’re trying to put up a brave front but just ignoring the problem-”

 

Stiles jumps in his fists clenched tightly around a map of the campus as they walk around trying to find his classes.

 

“--Is the absolute best thing to do, because I LEFT DAD. It’s not a problem anymore. I’m going to go to school and meet a hot Irish man or a sexy Irish lassie and forget all about him ok? I’m ignoring it because I need to, because he’s getting married and he’s not going to love me back and i can’t deal with that right now.”  

 

His eyes are maybe a little bit glassy but Stiles once read how a sudden shift in climates can cause your allergies to act up, so it’s probably that.

 

His dad just stares at him for a moment, and Stiles can see he wants to argue, but it maybe it’s the way Stiles is stubbornly trying not to cry, the stiff set of his spine determined to be tall and straight and proud when all he wants to do is curl into himself and shrink down to how small Derek had made him feel, maybe the shakiness in his Stiles hands that stops him. Instead he just throws his arm around Stiles shoulder and pulls him into one of those hugs only his Dad can give. The ones that make him feel like he’s 10 years old and terrified that he’s going to fly apart because he didn’t know he could feel so much pain and rage until his Mom had taken her last breath. The hugs that have always held him together even when he didn’t think he could last another day. They are Stiles absolute favorite and he knows he’s going to miss them way to much. So he burrows into his dad, right out in front of the building where at least 3 of his classes are going to be. He makes himself smaller, not because of Derek this time, but so he can fit into his Dad’s arms better. His Dads arms are wrapped around him so tight, he’s almost afraid he won’t be able to take another breath but it feels perfect.

 

When they finally separated there is few minutes of Stiles resolutely staring up at the sun because logically blinding sunlight is the reason for the tears on his face, and his dad gruffly clears his throat before saying,

 

“and son? Don’t ever say the words sexy Irish lassie again. I think one of the girls who passed us was mortally offended.”

 

Stiles laughs so hard he almost passes out.

* * *

 

Deaton’s old mentor is exactly nothing like Deaton. Stiles’ teacher back home is reserved, cryptic, and incredibly judgemental. Killian Conners is the head of the Mythology Department  and he has to be at least 80 years old. He’s the Dumbledore Stiles always wanted in a teacher if Dumbledore bounced around like an 8 year old hyped on Halloween candy and sword like a sailer. His dad is clearly torn between amusement and genuine concern for the future of his son’s education, everything out Killian’s mouth does exactly nothing to help him lean one way or the other judging by the look on the Sherriff’s face when they leave his office.

 

His Dad’s flight leaves in 8 hours and he’s never been more terrified in his whole life. They go around and see the sights and the Sherriff gives Stiles full reign with the credit card picking up stuff he might need. But all too soon they are standing in the airport terminal and Stiles feels like he’s falling apart because he’s NEVER been away from his Dad longer than a week and now he actually has to say goodbye.

 

They’ve checked the bags and their standing outside security staring at each other, not sure what moves to make when Stiles eloquently says “Fuck it” and throws himself at his Dad.

 

“Language Stiles!” His Dad is laughing but its choked up with tears and Stiles wants to convince his Dad to just stay. He buries his face in his Dad’s shoulder for a minute more before he pulls back.

 

“I’ll be back for Christmas, so don’t think I won’t know if you’re sticking to your diet. And I have spies EVERYWHERE so you’d better be safe, and if there is supernatural trouble at home you tell those lazy wolves to take care of it and not to bother you too much because you need to rest every now and then and and-”  
  
His Dad slaps a hand over his mouth. “I’m going to be fine son, you take care of yourself, I expect a call at least twice a week, I bought you that damn smart phone so you better do the calls where I can see your face. Don’t blow up the school and just take care of yourself ok kid?”

 

Stiles nods and the Sheriff finally removes his hands to reach into his back pocket. “I have your letter, from your mother...so just wait to read it until you’re back in your room ok? She said she wanted you to have it for then.” His hands shake a little as he takes the envelope from his Dad and the both look away for, giving his Mom’s memory the moment of silence it always invokes.

 

“And last but certainly not least...” His Dad hands him a check.

 

“Jesus tap dancing Christ Dad?! How many zeros is that?! Thats a lot of fucking zeros! Where did you get this? Did you rob a bank? You can tell me Dad, we’ll just stay here, Ireland probably won't extradite us-”  
  
“Stiles!” His Dad is nearly bent over laughing. “Its your college fund, your mom and I started it when we got married with the money her parents gave us at our wedding. They were well off and they said it would help get us started but you know your mom, She was 10 steps ahead of all of us and put it in savings. We had the smallest most terrible apartment for years but she insisted that one day we’d use it for something special.” His Dad grins at him. “Then you came a long and well...We added to it every paycheck since you were born. Just a little each time. 18 years of that is a lot kid.”

 

Stiles grins at him bright and happy and pulls him into another hug. “Thanks Dad, and bring some flowers to Mom for me OK?”

 

His Dad squeezes him tighter for a moment and nods.

 

“Alright pops, better go before the plane leaves without you!”

  
He keeps grinning and waving until he can’t see his Dad any longer and then he just stands there. He stands there until the plane has already taken off. And he wonders how exactly he’s going to make it through these next four years.


	4. She takes you in with her crying eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! I'm back! I'd like to apologize for the long ass hiatus. I had a really rough go of it for a couple of months but now I'm back and writing again! This chapter is a little short, just something to get things going again. 
> 
> słoneczko is a term of endearment in polish which means 'little sun'
> 
> Also warning, I have merged a little...ps I love you letters into my AU. It's gonna hurt guys. I cried writing it. Had to stop and make it a little more light hearted sometimes because even I couldn't handle it!
> 
> PS sorry if there are any mistakes! If there is anyone who wants to Beta for me so these come out a little cleaner let me know! I'll shower you with ficlets on demand!!!

  
  


It’s a good while after Stiles has found his way back to his dorm that he sits down on his bed in order to read his mother’s letter. This is his third letter from her this year, and it makes his heart ache to realize just how much he wasn’t able to share with her. He takes a deep breath and slips the letter out of its envelope. Slowly unfolds the heavy pages revealing his mothers slanted hand.

 

_Stiles,_

_My słoneczko, as I am writing this you are next to me, asleep on the book of fairy tales I asked you to read to me at night. You are so small and so beautiful my little boy. Now that you are reading this its hard for me to imagine you as the strong young man you will be today. I am so proud of you. I know that you will do great and amazing things in this world. I know that your future is so bright, full of promise. My biggest regret is that I cannot be in this world to share in all your triumphs._

_The way you love learning so much already, even when it can be so hard for you tells me that you will be the absolute top of your class at which ever university you chose. Your thirst for knowledge is already so great słonecznko. Never lose it. Never stop learning and exploring. I love your mind and your sense of adventure so. I see myself in you. I want you to explore this world to its fullest._

_Right now you still sleep in my old Berkeley shirt. It’s starting to fit you. I can’t believe you are going to be 10 years old this year. I wonder if you will still have it? It is my little selfish fantasy that you are at my alma mater. If I am lucky you are looking up at Sather Tower, where I took you to listen to the bells. If you are lucky you have escaped the wrath of your father and chose that mess of a school which pretends to be a place of Higher learning. I hope you chose to incur the wrath of that silly man. Stanford. I shall wish you the rainiest first day of class if you are at that school love. THE RAINIEST. Though knowing how like you are to myself I imagine you will chose to be a contrary little shit just I like I taught you and choose something in Montana just to annoy us._

_(Your father is reading this over my shoulder right now. He says he knew I wouldn't be able to keep up the sentimental for very long.)_

_I shall just have to prove him wrong. My darling flower child, I---_

_(Your father stole my pen)_

_I have liberated it darling! Now, where was I? Your school. Now even if you have decided against the perfection that is Berkeley love, I want to make sure that there are a few things you are prepared for. This journey is a long one, it is a marathon and not a sprint._

_That being said...If you rush so help me god I will lay curses on that frat house. No boy of mine will waste his time in those stains on the institution of academia. And not matter what your father says he sustained at least a little brain damage while he was one of them._

_Should you ever find yourself around a keg, I expect you to make me proud and do a handstand on that thing. The pictures will be glorious. Though I will say only do this once. If you do it frequently it ceases to be cool. Your father would know about that._

_(no matter what he says love, the pictures are hidden in our secret spot in the attic, find them when you visit!)_

_All nighters are the devil, though I’m sure by this point you've figured that one out. Should you find yourself engaging in this horrific tradition I recommend a big burger. The protein helps._

_Fall in love over and over again. I know I did. (your father is scowling. I hope yours ends up just as precious) Fall in love, fall out of it. Fall in lust but BE SAFE. (god what I wouldn't give to see your blush now) Crush on the hot TA and flirt with your lab partner. And Remember darling that no matter how many tries it takes you, someone who was made just for you is waiting out there for you to bump into him at a coffee shop or ask her to study in the stacks. It can take a while, It might feel like forever but it will be worth it._

_Don’t forget to call your father. Being far away might seem scary at first. Then you’ll get distracted. Caught up. Don’t forget to call him, tell him you love him. He’ll miss you more than you will ever understand. You won’t understand until the first time you hold your child in your arms but you are our whole world my  słoneczko. You are our sun and our stars and our moon and your father will not know what to do without you. So visit when you can, write when you can’t and tell him YOU LOVE HIM._

_Travel the world love. We've been saving for you for years. Do fall break in London, visit Mexico in the Spring, spend a summer wandering Ireland, Its lovely. Explore Egypt and drink some wine on the cliffs of Greece. Your father and I spent most of our breaks traveling together. It drove your grandparents nuts that we would just take off. But darling the world is so big and grand and I want you to I see it. See as much as you can._

_And remember, I want you to always always remember that I am still here. I am still with you. You carry me in your heart, as I will always have you in mine. I will always be with you, and whenever you feel like life is getting too rough for you, all you have to do is call for me  słoneczko, just call for me, I will always come back to you. You carry me in your heart._

_I love you Stiles,_

_Go change the world baby._

_Love,_

_Mom_

Stiles folds up the letter, his hands shaking and hugs it to his chest. He lays back on his bed and stares up at his ceiling. And then...he laughs. He laughs until he’s crying and he holds that letter right up against his heart. He leans cries and cries and he calls for his mom until he sure he can feel her swelling up in his own chest. He calls for her until he is sure she is there with him, and he talks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is! Don't hate me! But if you need to vent leave a comment or come bother me on tumbler! I am themarauderess!


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